A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve