Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
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My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead