I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
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My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.