By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
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You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
are there any atheist mantises?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi