HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
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Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
they really do be looking like this
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Pizza is an emotion right?
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that