Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
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I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen