When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Facebook Twitter
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
choose your gary
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Yup!
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean