How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
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Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”