You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
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[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
secret recipe
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.