me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.