Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
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My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.