Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
You Might Also Like
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.