what do you want!!!!!!!!
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Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
sugar glider wrangler
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me