Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
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[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
The days of good grammer has went
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?