Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?