*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.