Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
🤣🤣🤣
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Good morning.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..