The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
nature’s most graceful animal