A friend sent me this.
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I’m having an out of money experience.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.