Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐