Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.