Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
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Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
bought wrong eggs
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners