“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
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4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.