Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Sounds like a bargain
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong