If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
B