My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
You Might Also Like
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.