As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
You Might Also Like
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day