Happy thanksgiving
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Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.