[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
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I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.