Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
🤣✨#caturday
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
look at me when i’m typing to you
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.