“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
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Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.