My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed