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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
shut up and take my money
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My purse is deeper than some people.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’m crying im so happy for them
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice