If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
best first i’ve ever seen
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.