Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
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What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
The pasta is now
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
🤣
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job