[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
damn he’s good
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry