When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
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Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?