The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
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me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
awkward
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.