My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
fair
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.