Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”