[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
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Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.