The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
You Might Also Like
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My beach vacation Google searches
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Who knew!
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.