Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
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Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself