If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
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My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”