When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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Boy never ceases to amaze me
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback