I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
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Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
This took me a second..