the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.