Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
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FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
the noise i just made
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand