I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
can’t catch a break