6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
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Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it鈥檚 not butter.’ We鈥檙e sick of your shit, Bob.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it鈥檒l remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Just ruined my dad鈥檚 night by texting pics of a bird he can鈥檛 positively ID
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Cop: You swerved into the other lane鈥o you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you鈥檝e just finished so you say something like: I鈥檓 done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don鈥檛 call your bluff
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
馃摳: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Miss 9: When I grow up I鈥檓 going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”